Suppression Can Bite Me…

I recently watched a documentary about our purpose for being on earth in relation to our astrological signs.  The woman being interviewed said something that struck me and made me think YES, that’s so true.  She said often times when working with clients, she will advise them about traits of themselves that largely influence who they are in conjunction with their astrological signs and purpose for this life.  People would react saying, “oh my god, I always believed that is what’s wrong with me!” ….. Why is that???   Is this one of our lessons to learn while here?   I can relate because I belong to that group too.

When I was young I had an ability to see the big picture of things.  A natural talent to day dream and live in another world.  I had a sense of seeing things in a way that my peers and even elders did not and I struggled how to put it in words.   I didn’t like being put in a box.  I believed there was so many other ways to go about things.  I loved the challenge of taking the off beaten path.  It seemed my world didn’t mesh with the way society worked so yes, I thought this deep sense of self must be wrong.   It’s not what’s modeled around me so I’ll keep it to myself and study people to see what role I should play.

I specifically remember seeing how others would be so cruel to each other.   I didn’t understand it.  I had empathy for life that could not be negotiated.  I knew kindness was the way.  I swore I wouldn’t purposefully be hurtful to anyone.  I didn’t like it when others were mean to me, so why would I treat someone else that way?  I again thought there must be something wrong with me.  It seemed so clear to not be a douche to others, but to the majority of everyone else it wasn’t.  Kindness was woven into me.  This is the one trait I held on to.  Even when I had the right to call someone out or be a bitch I had a hard time doing it.   I knew that the reason for their actions was because of the burden they carried on themself.  So instead of taking my frustrations out on others I would escape into my imagination.

In that world, all was kind and made sense to me.  I loved drawing, coloring, reading, playing an instrument, writing stories and anything creative.  I did this for some time but as I got older it wasn’t cool to do those things.  They didn’t fit the mold.  So I dropped the only thing that saved me.  Thinking it must be what’s wrong with me again.  The norm was to be social, care what others think and be like everyone else.  I got involved with sports and it was a great teacher in itself, but the core place I felt the most alive I suppressed.  The imagination and inquisitive mind.  I learned to drown it out.

I held back that part of me, honestly until this last year.  If I tried to show it, it was never the right time or place.  People don’t always appreciate a deep thinker.  I believed that the depth of me was not what the masses of people wanted to see and know.  All the while my soul was dying a little more each day that I ignored its call to go back to the little girl that did what made herself happy.

Why did I do this?  Why did I suppress what my soul was yearning to be??  After hearing this womans experience with her clients it made me realize that I was not alone.  She assured them that these traits are NOT what’s wrong with them, it’s actually their strongest assists they have, it’s why they are here, to EXPRESS these parts.  After this sunk in, they started tearing up, releasing all the years of hiding their gifts.  It was a relief for them, they no longer had to carry that kind of weight.  They could start being who they were meant to be.

I am a living testament to this.  I stopped punishing myself for being different.  I started listening to the deep down inner knowing that I am supposed to create and do something with all this knowledge I’ve gained.  This IS my time and this IS my place!  I’m supposed to be imaginative.  I’m supposed to draw. I’m supposed to be inquisitive.  I’m supposed to read a million books and learn as much as I possibly can.  I’m supposed to be a leader.  I’m supposed to be kind.  I am supposed to share my stories.  I’m supposed to have a voice and the biggest one yet is I’m supposed to write.  I AM ALL OF THIS.  I will continue to do what I knew as a child.  The world no longer intimidates me.  The most powerful weapon on earth is a soul set on fire…

If you have a little voice that you are suppressing I ask you to stop holding back and listen to it.  Think of what made you happy as a child.   Start there, dive into to it.  It will make all the difference in your world.  It has with mine.


One Comment

  1. Tami

    It is hard to be brave & strong when the world is tugging & pulling at you to keep you in that box that makes everyone else around you feel better. So very brave you are Miss Nellie. Peace& Love.


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