The Fuck it Goblin…

Whenever I have an idea for something new I usually start out gung ho.  I love the push and dedication it takes to succeed.   Once my mind is made up, I do it!  I am 100% in!  Be it an idea, art project, health or personal goal, starting a blog or what ever.

If I decide that’s the direction I want to go I jump on the train full speed ahead.  I have no problem following through……until I’m about 10% away from my goal.

The minute I reach that point, this ugly twingy second guessing goblin shows its face and reminds me of all the things I should fear.  This goblin is a ugly fat smelly asshole whose best answer for everything is F-it and for some reason I listen to it.

The Fuck It Goblin...
The Fuck It Goblin…

There is this part of me that is intimidated by success and actually being one of those people that lives out their dreams.  Life seems less scary if I would just stay under the radar…

So in comes the F-it goblin, that’s basically it’s que to show up.  I slowly began destroying everything I just worked my ass off to achieve.  I’ve done this countless times in my life.  I slip into bad habits and patterns which cause me to start all over from scratch with a double amount of shame and guilt for sabotaging myself into staying small.

Well,  I actually got over that fence when starting this blog and it scared the shit out of me.  The vulnerability hang over sunk in slowly.  I’ve been feeling off, lethargic, cranky, frustrated and suddenly F-it was my favorite phrase.  The goblin is taking this oppourtunity to try to get me to crumble.

I started comparing and complaining.  I’ve been eating like crap.  I stopped working out, making my bed, doing my hair, I haven’t kept up on laundry and the house is messy…

I knew something was really off because I was picking apart my amazing boyfriend.   I was projecting all this shit I wasn’t doing for myself onto him.  Not cool…

I knew once I snapped at him for not cleaning out the garage that something was definelty wrong because it isn’t my usual character.  This had nothing to do with him.  I was blaming my frustrations on everything else, when in reality it had everything to do with me.

I know this is how it starts.  These are all triggers and signs that I was starting to go down the rabbit hole of sabotage.  But there IS a way to stop it…

What I’ve learned is that the F-it goblin is always there.  It will continue to show its face, it is a part of me and that is ok.  The trick is to recognize it’s patterns and not do the tango with it and waste my energy.  I need to do the opposite and be kind to myself.  Get out in nature, eat healthy, work out and send myself love where I feel I am lacking.

Self care is the kryptonite to the ego centric goblin.  I’m choosing to learn from it instead of playing its game.  It’s there to pin point the areas I need to work on.  It shows me what NOT to do.  It’s there to help me progress, so in all, I can say Thank you F-it goblin.  I now realize you are a backwards kind of ally.  It just took me many years of failure to figure that out…..



  1. Becky Gerritson

    I understand. Sounds very familiar in my life, in regards to projects. There are other things, you know what I am referring to, that no matter what it’s “game on”.

  2. Tami

    We all have that goblin gnawing at us at times, bravo to you for fighting back. You have inspired me to find courage and fight back too. Thank you Lovey.

    1. I am afraid to even imagine the pain this loss caused you both. For such a brief look into something so private, your writing makes it very palpableand I think that you have a true gift and I hope to read more of your stories in the future. Thank yo#028#3&;&u8230;


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