It’s my birthday today and I decided to take the day off. I have no plans, only to wake up and enjoy the day in whatever way it comes. My boyfriend is out of town, so its just me and my dog. The only task I had to do was renew my drivers license.
In the last year I have grown into who I am spiritually. I’ve reconnected to the girl that likes to swim in the deep deep waters where not many like to go, and I’ve reconnected with my soul way up high with the stars in the sky.
Those two places are a major part of the puzzle. In order to find those pieces I had to dig deep and face the uglies… and on the other side, and most importantly, I had to re-explore what lights me up.
This unfolding was the most challenging and yet beautiful experience I’ve ever had. There were and still are many times that I second guess myself and think about stopping my journey and conforming back to the mold this world tries to keep me in. But I recognize it sneaking up and I stop it in it’s tracks.
So in all, I feel grateful for this years growing pains. I have come along way, yet there is this one piece of me that is still hanging on and not wanting to be let go.
And that is the connection to my body.
For as long as I can remember I’ve never loved it. It’s always been an inconvenience to me. It was either not pretty enough, tall enough, petite enough, fast enough, strong enough, thin enough, talented enough… Basically NEVER ENOUGH!
I’ve spent countless amounts of my life calling it disgusting, a waste of space. I’ve starved it, punished it, sabataged it, deprived it of what it longs for. I’ve worked out and pushed it to the point of breakdown. It was my way of punishing my body for not looking the way I thought it should … and I’ve done the opposite by using layers of weight to hide behind.. I’ve drowned it with booze to put on the show that all is good and great, to become a character in another persons play`… I spent all this time chastising it and never sending it love, gratitude and appreciation for miracle that it is for allowing me to experience life.
Simply put, I’ve hated it…
I would never talk to anyone else like I have to myself.
I just didn’t have the experience and soul connection like I do now. I am confident in the fierce woman I’ve allowed myself to become. I absolutely know that the world we live in is one big fake illusion and for some crazy reason we all fall for it and try endlessly to fit in a world that is unattainable. It fills our minds day in and day out about how we are only worthy of love and acceptance if we fit the mold. It keeps us on this wild goose chase to trying to belong to something that is false and ends up killing us slowly, even if we could catch up to it.
It keeps us blindsided so that we don’t find out who we are and what gifts we have to bring to this world.
Well I can tell you I’m done with it. Today, marks the day, on my 37th birthday of me starting to reconnect with my miracle, my body, and for all that is and does for me.
In honor of setting this day off on the right foot, I decided that when I went to renew my license today that I would not wear any makeup. Not even a little lip gloss or mascara. A few days back I was going to get this annoying task done, but I put it off because I didn’t want to take the time to get all “done up” for it that day.
As a child and still to this day, picture taking day of any sort has been such an ordeal. I would put so much worry and angst into my outfit, hairstyle and makeup routine. For this badge or picture will clearly show if I am worthy of love or not… It will determine if I made the cut and fit the mold I’ve been told as a young girl and woman to follow.
So I got to thinking, why the Fuck with all I’ve learned this past year or so would I continue to try and fit in the mold in attempting to put on a face or character for my stupid license… (which by the way, I think is ridiculous that I need a state issued ID to prove that I am myself…but that’s another story)
So since my last birthday a year ago, I’ve come to connect with my soul and spirit, which has been HUGE, but now it is time to connect with the part of me that I have neglected and honestly loathed the most since the youngest and most innocent age. It’s time to start looking at this body as the gift it is.
It allows me to experience this world. It allows me to love, to hug, to jump, to run, to eat amazing food, to cry, to laugh, to sing, to dance, to play, to create, to travel, to snuggle, to see, to hear, to smell, to breathe and potentially MAKE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING!!!! It operates with out me having to tell it to. My heart continuously beats, my blood flows, my cells regenerate and collaborate together, each breath I take is done without trying and my mind tells my body to move and IT DOES!!!!
What is not to be amazed by all of this!!
My body is constantly communicating with me on how to heal itself by allowing my emotions to be brought to surface and feel them! It is my best friend and side kick. It is my temple to worship. Imagine if I had this outlook from when I was a kid. All that time I spent thinking and obsessing about how I needed to look like someone else… Imagine what I could of done with all that time! The amazing things I could of created, the things I might of done… Well the buck stops here. I am going to honor my body. I will cherish it and talk to it with admiration for all it has gotten me through with out asking anything in return….
This is the way I will think about myself. Each day I am going to take one step closer to loving this miracle. It’s time to let the fierce wild femine woman to roar and I can assure you, I don’t need to be a size 2 or have makeup on for it to be heard….
I want to be a role model for other women and young girls…
Working in the beauty industry I am around the distorted ideal of beauty all day. I’m tired of it. We as women can take back our power. We do not need a man’s approval to earn our self worth. I do not need to be thought of as hot or pretty to feel loved and a part of something.
Fuck all that.
Beauty is the fire behind our eyes, the mischievous twinkle, the fierce passion we exude from our souls…. Beauty is filling up our OWN wells with what lights us up…
The only way we can change this world and free other women and young girls of this hell is to change the way we feel about ourselves. To share our stories like mine… IT FREES YOU WHEN YOU SAY IT OUT LOUD OR WRITE IT DOWN>>> We can all gather and say “ME TOO”.
Let’s build other women up instead of tearing each other down. Nothing saddens me more than a women making fun of another woman’s appearance. We have enough on our plate and that is pouring salt in the wound. I won’t have it, and be sure if this happens around me I will lovingly call you out on it. Enabling this behavior is not the answer.
There is a change coming and it starts with the Devine Feminine taking back our power…
Let’s start to ROAR….
If we stop feeding the beast it will starve and die…
It’s time to rip away the power from who ever the hell invented this false ideal..
We can do this together..
One small act of love at a time…
Now I feel inclined to “Jerry McGuire it” by ending this post with,
Who’s coming with me…