This blog is the start of a new chapter in the book of my life. It’s time to start writing. It’s time to speak my truth. Where this will take me I have surrendered to. I’ve let go of the outcome good or bad. The only criteria is to speak from my soul.
This is real.
This is me.
No matter what happens I will learn something from it.
The whisper in my ear has turned into a scream. I can’t ignore it. The days of distracting myself by diving into someone else’s world, numbing myself, or keeping so busy that I don’t even know what day it is are over.
It’s time to shine.
Last week I had a breakdown, or more like a breakTHROUGH. I came to realize that I can no longer stay silent with all the thoughts, ideas, insights and questions I have about the world.
I slammed right into a brick wall and a part of me died that day. It was the part of me that was hiding. The part that was scared of my own power and potential. I had to let go of it. I let go of the fear of my own voice…
For most of my life I could tell something was off, something was missing. I always knew I had a purpose for being here. I could feel it in my bones but I held it back.
I was very talented in finding ways to be a supporting actress in life instead of the leading lady. I was an eternal people pleaser that didn’t rock the boat. I had an insatiable fear of being seen.
I developed this at a young age because I had a hard time relating to the world we live in. I had a different perception of life than most my peers and if I brought it up or shined my light I was made fun of or teased.
I learned that showing yourself equals pain. So I turned into what I thought people wanted me to be. I wore the masks of the party girl, the fun girl, the girl that was one of the guys, a flighty blonde, you name it, I was probably it. I could turn into what ever my environment called for.
But deep down I always new the truth. My soul never left me. There is a depth to me that is much more than the surface I was living on. I had to find my way back to it. I needed to unravel the lies that society had taught me and that I fell for.
One of the starting points in my life to finding my way back to my soul was because of a tragedy that happened in my family. On this day April 17 2004 we found the body of my cousin Dru Sjodin.
She was abducted, raped and murdered by a level 3 sex offender on Nov 22nd 2003. He had just recently been let out of prison for a prior offense. She was missing for 5 months.
This experience changed my life. When someone you love is taken from this world by the hand of another, you only have two options. You become something because of it… or it becomes you. Dru’s voice was taken from her, so it became our families mission from early on to be the voice FOR her.
This experience of being Dru’s voice was the launching pad towards the journey of finding my own. It gave me the experience and confidence to stand up for what’s right by being a supporting advocate against sexual violence, it gave me a taste of the impact a voice can make…
I picked this day to go live with this blog out of gratitude for what Dru has taught me, the gifts I’ve found through her tragedy and how she lived life.
Dru was never afraid to shine, she OWNED everything she did. She could simply “be”. She lived in the moment, said what she wanted and spoke from her heart. She touched so many lives. Inspired so many people. Dru was never forgotten. Even if it was a brief encounter. I always admired her for that. It is part of her legacy and stamp on this world.
She carried the torch of what life is really about.
Its how to JUST BE YOU!
All else will fall into place after that. I feel as if she is passing that on to me. This blog is a part of me taking that torch and carrying it, speaking my truth and shining MY light. You never know who it could help…
I have lived through many experiences good and bad. Heartbreak, walking the line, a life full of humor/fun times, tragedy and loss, grief, anger, being a goof, depression, anxiety, wonderful friends and family, having crutches, abusing alcohol, travel, falling in love and so much more. Everything my blog will be about.
The journey of how I got to this point and where I am headed. I’ll post quotes, books and documentaries I love, people that inspire me and the insights I find in my day to days.
All of which has taught me to learn the language of my soul. I’ve found my way back to it. I trust the universe to guide me in the direction needed to continue evolving as a person. What ever I encounter is meant to happen.
There are lessons in everything. I had to learn to quite my mind so I could recognize and decipher the synchronocites and brick walls life was handing me.
Life left me these bread crumbs to lead me on the path to discover my voice…
I am ready to take a leap for truth….